I have been with my partner for 22 years now. We are raising a son, who is now two. It was extremely important and meaningful to us, as well as to our family and friends, that we honor our long term relationship - and our son - by getting married. The night before our wedding, my family and friends all gathered at El Coyote restaurant to celebrate. We had a wonderful time at El Coyote that night and, collectively, spent hundreds of dollars.
Now I've learned that Marjorie Christofferson, the owner of El Coyote was a contributor to the Yes on Proposition 8 campaign.
I feel violated.
Like I ordered a margarita and a taco, but was instead served the dissolution of my marriage and the loss of my family's civil rights.
Oh wait - that is what happened.
I was horrified to realize I'd funded my own discrimination.
Needless to say, this was a terrible shock. Like buying a hunting rifle for a neighbor, who then turned around and shot me in the ass. I can never step foot in that restaurant again. To me, it's akin to asking a black family to frequent the soul food restaurant owned by a Klansman, or a Jew to dine at the Kosher Deli run by a Nazi war criminal. People who are not gay may construe these comparisons as overheated. Those who are gay, growing up terrified to even hold the hand of the person they love, will not.
Since the gay and lesbian community has been disrespected and marginalized for so many generations now, no one realizes the full scope of the shocking, violent, often murderous discrimination that continues, to this day, to be levied against our people. Even the gay community itself doesn't fully realize it. We've been so busy creating our own little safe havens, protecting ourselves from the hatred and bigotry that we know is out there, that we've neglected to come together as a people - outside of the occasional White Party, of course, or the latest farewell tour from Cher.
But it's serious now, and I think people have suddenly realized it. The bubbles have been burst, the safe havens ransacked. When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I looked into the eyes of my two year old son, just waking up in his crib, and my heart broke. I couldn't imagine how I could possibly explain to him the five million people who just voted against his family, against his Daddy and his Papa, against the wedding where he so admirably carried his parents' rings down the aisle. I could feel the hatred seeping in through the windows of our home, the slime dripping off the walls. I felt victimized. I even considered taking my ring off.
But then the love, support and strength started to trickle in, bubbling up through the phone calls and the emails, and a new determination started to harden in my stomach. The day ended at the intersection of Santa Monica and San Vincente, with my husband by my side and my son in my arms, surrounded by a chorus of thousands, chanting for the restoration of our community's equal rights.
My shattered marriage was pieced back together by that strong, bracing chorus, and a new day was born for our community.
With that new day comes new strength - and new responsibility. Personally, I think the "blacklists" that are being sent around, outing contributors to Prop 8, are a bit much. I think it's time to educate, not attack, and we all know where the education needs to take place. I can't step back into El Coyote for very personal reasons, but I'm not going to picket outside the office of some Mormon orthodontist in Orange County for his $500 contribution. But I do hope Marjorie Christofferson - and that orthodontist, while we're at it - does learn the lesson. She needs to know that we, as a people, are not the monolithic evil her Mormon church has convinced her we are, but rather the individual human beings that have comprised her staff, her friends, her community and customers - those same people that have kept her restaurant in business for years now, bought her house and sent her children to school. Her church asks her to separate the "sin" from the "sinner," because they know this makes it easier to discriminate. She has been convinced that she's supporting the opposition of sin, and not discriminating against her friends and customers. She is wrong, and the Mormon church that brainwashes her into believing this is wrong as well.
More importantly, however, I've come to believe that we need to defend the Mormons' right to be wrong. Yes, you heard me. The Mormons should be able to say and do whatever they want within the four walls of their own church. But that's where it must end. Their specific religious beliefs should have never been allowed to come within shouting distance of the state's constitution.
I was married to my husband in a Lutheran church by a loving, intelligent, devout pastor, who sanctioned our marriage with all his heart and soul. He believes that God was present in that church, at our wedding. And so do I. Nobody - and I mean nobody - should be allowed to mess with that.
That is my church - our church - and everyone else needs to stay out of it. That, my friends, is what's known as religious freedom. Remember that old chestnut? The whole basis of this country's founding? Is this ringing any bells? My Lutheran church does not believe the way Mormons believe, and Mormons don't believe the way Lutherans believe. Or Episcopalians. Or progressive Jews. Mormons don't want gay marriage? Great! Then we won't get married in your temple. You can no longer protest gay marriage on religious grounds. You can only protest gay marriage on your religious grounds. You leave our church alone, and we'll leave yours.
This has all gone dangerously beyond what is already a violation of church/state separation. Now that over 18,000 same-sex couples have been married in the state of California, many of us in churches who welcome and celebrate our love, this has become a matter of religious freedom, pure and simple.
Leave my marriage alone. And, while you're at it, leave my church alone too.
2 comments:
Absolutely beautifully written. I will post and share.
My fiancée and I ate at El Coyote last Monday, 11/17. The place was busy and we talked with several members of the mixed hetero- and homosexual staff. They are united in supporting Marjorie.
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Marjorie sat and talked with us for about 20 minutes. Some of the things that she told us are:
> She has no ownership of El Coyote; she is an employee. (I believe this has no bearing on her right to believe, think, contribute, and vote as she will but some of her opponents have made an issue of her supposed ownership).
> The business has not and will not make any politically-oriented donations. Marjorie donated to support Prop 8 and other employees donated in opposition to Prop 8. The money the male employee in the video said would go to overthrow the voters' will was a pool of some employees' private donations, not the business's money. El Coyote has/does/will make non-political humanitarian donations for counseling, welfare, etc. that include help to the homosexual community.
> One of their managers has been with the restaurant for 50 years. Other employees have been there 20 to 30 years. The staff, like the neighborhood, is sprinkled with homosexuals among the heterosexuals. Nearly 100 people depend upon El Coyote for their paychecks.
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This was good enough for my fiancée and me to return in the future. I would that we outsiders follow the staff's example and agree to be there together in peace. I hope to see all of the posters on this thread there frequently.
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To the boycotters of El Coyote,
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Let me get this straight. Marjorie is not an owner, but one employee, of 89 employees at El Coyote, who you found to support Prop 8. This was enough for you to demonstrate, boycott, harass customers, and yell at that one employee. So the standard is that if 1/89 -- 1.25% -- of a business's employees voted for Prop 8, you will do these things to that business.
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About 2/3 of Catholic voters, 70% of Black voters, and 91% of Mormon voters voted Yes on Prop 8. Each of those percentages applied to 2% exceeds your 1.25% trigger. This means if more than 2% of a business's employees are Catholic/Black/Mormon, your standard with El Coyote calls for you to boycott and harass it.
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Are there any businesses that you can patronize? Looking at you from the other side, your stand appears to have removed you from our economy.
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